For two years, I suffered with major anxiety attacks and PND, but I couldn’t put a name to what I was experiencing… until recently.
My chest would tighten, my head would spin, I’d feel a constriction in my throat, which made me think I was short of breath, which made me panic, and yet I was breathing just fine. I was afraid to die. I was afraid to sleep, so I stayed up for as long as I could even though I was exhausted – it was the only way for me to fall asleep without my brain running riot as soon as I got into bed. There were times when my body tremored involuntarily, slight as they were, they threw me into a spin of anxiety. I would feel bodily pain and no one could understand why. I knew I wasn’t depressed, so it couldn’t be post natal depression, but something in my mind wasn’t okay. I didn’t know what it was, but something was definitely going on up there.
Four months before all this started, my eldest passed away, a month prior my youngest was born. I was the picture girl of exhaustion, anxiety and stress, having to process my eldest’s death, and help my daughter process her sister’s passing, whilst being flung into the craziness of motherhood, which is both exhausting and fulfilling. One doctor mentioned I may be having an anxiety attack, because whenever I felt these sensations come over me, I’d have to stop everything I was doing and lay down and rest. That was the only way I could feel some level of relief. At some point, I figured that what I was experiencing was probably a mix of post traumatic stress, along with other things.
I went to doctors, a homeopath, a physio. I went for tremor release exercises (TRE), counselling, and energy healing. And though each helped in some way, none of them fully took away the symptoms I was experiencing. My medical bills during these first few month was something I’d never have imagined. And still, I had to seriously consider what part of me to prioritize, my physical well being? My mental health? My emotional well-being? Going to my homeopath was a turning point for me, as I could feel myself coming back on track shortly after starting “treatment”.
Then about a month or two ago, I started reading a book by Linda Lewis titled When your blessings don’t count, and another book about panic attacks and then I finally understood. What I’d been experiencing was actually post natal distress coupled with anxiety attacks (also known as panic attacks). I’d only ever heard about post natal depression, and since I wasn’t depressed, I didn’t know how to deal with what I was experiencing because I didn’t know what it was, and knowing is half of the answer.
And then when we received news that our beloved teacher, Ml. Taha’s condition had deteriorated, I felt the anxiety surge once more. My throat became constricted, my head started spinning, my head felt taut, everything inside me was screaming help me, help me, but this time I knew what I had to do. First, I needed to get comfortable and relax. I needed to acknowledge whatever sensations I was experiencing, and then work on minimizing that. And so I did. I sat down, tried breathing in deeply, distracted myself by reading to my daughter when she asked me to. and then recited hasbunAllah wa Ni’mal Wakeel (Allah is enough for me and He is the best of Protectors). This remembrance was the one thing that kept me sane in those trying months, and I knew repeating it during this difficult time would help me regain my composure, because it reminded me that my Lord knew, and He was going to see me through. Though I must admit, it took me a few minutes before I remembered to care for my soul along with my body when these anxiety attacks struck.
There’s a part of me that wants to keep these experiences private because I am, by nature, a very private person. But if no one ever speaks about their suffering, how will other women, experiencing similar, ever feel supported and understood?
From the outside, no one could see what was going on inside me, but to me it felt as if the world was caving in around me and I didn’t know what to do about it. I would walk around with this tightening feeling in your head (similar to when you would cross your fingers into one another, place them on your head, and squeeze..). only, there was nothing physical there causing that effects. Living with this mix of constant anxiety and PND was like trying to save yourself from drowning, when you know you don’t actually know how to swim. It’s the feeling of panic when you think about delaying your prayers, because what if you die before being able to fulfill that obligation. Living with anxiety sometimes feels like an out of body experience, where you acknowledge the familiar paths you take, but it’s as if you’re having an out of body experience, as if your body and soul are somewhat detached. It’s that knock knock knocking of something so familiar, yet so unknown at the same time, a feeling that if left unchecked could threaten to engulf your very existence.
We often look for certain signs of anxiety on others, not realizing that anxiety can look like many things, or nothing at all. They can evolve into panic attacks, or simply remain hidden in your mind, away from the gaze of onlookers. Anxiety can look like a tired mom who doesn’t know how she’s going to hold everything together, or it can look like a single, quiet gentleman who mostly keeps to himself. Your anxiety can trigger the fear of death, and be triggered by the notification of someone’s death. It can take the form of a workaholic, who so badly wants to finish as much as they can before they die, or it can look like someone who’s apathetic and doesn’t seem to have any drive or purpose in life, because what if they don’t make the cut? Anxiety can show itself in the asking of too many questions, or in the quietness of an individual. Our anxiety can be what pushes us to despair, or it may be exactly what we need to motivate us to move forward. To do better. To be better. Anxiety can have you wondering what every new ache and pain in your body is, and if THIS is the thing that’s going to lead to your demise. Living with anxiety is this overwhelming feeling of not being able to fall asleep for fear of death, and waking up the next morning thankful that you have another day, then wondering if this day would be your last.
Anxiety may feel like many other things not listed here, but that doesn’t make it any less valid.
Working through our anxiety is key.
I’ve found that the best way to lessen my anxiety is to first identify that what I’m feeling is in fact anxiety and then secondly to still my heart through the remembrance of my Lord.
What are you doing to manage your anxiety?