She was a mere 14 days old when she went for her biopsy. Being new to anything hospital related, I didn’t know what a biopsy was. So when I enquired about it, doc said that they would just be taking two SMALL samples of her skin for testing in order to more accurately diagnose her condition. They asked whether or not I wanted to be with her in the room whilst they did the biopsy. I remember the internal struggle I had at the time. I wanted to stay to be her support, but I didn’t know if I could bare seeing my little girl in pain. I eventually chose to stay.
MISTER DOCTOR SIR! THAT was no small piece of skin! Not for an almost new baby! I remember trying to soothe her as her trusting eyes stared at me as I tried placing her onto the hospital bed. I remember her agonizing cry as they did the biopsy. I saw her eyes widen in pain as she let out a deafening cry for help; a plea of sorts. And as the first piece of flesh was removed I winced internally because I knew she’d have to endure that kind of pain a second time round. Nothing could have prepared me for that situation. I was her mother, her worldly protector, and I had placed her in such a situation where pain was the only outcome. Eight months later, I still remember the expression on her face as the doctor separated her from her skin. I remember the helplessness I felt as I tried to soothe her, hoping that she wouldn’t one day recall this memory and hold it against me. Imagine my relief when it was all over. And then the overwhelming emotions that threatened to engulf me she turned to ME for comfort. I was the one that had placed her in a situation of pain, yet it was me she yearned for during this difficult time.
This bitter-sweet memory came back in full force as I was changing her bandages today, then again when her ear was bleeding (I’d accidentally pulled off the skin on her ear as I tried taking my arm out from under her head as she slept) and also when I tried changing her nappy. It’s not something you ever get over I guess. You just learn to deal with it and keep moving forward.
There are moments when the pain (for parents and child) is unbearable, but they are swiftly followed by innocent childlike moments that simply melt your heart and make it all worth it. Though there is nothing I’d like more than to take away her pain, I wouldn’t change a single thing. God Almighty, in His infinity wisdom and mercy, has gifted us this condition. We may not understand the reason behind it all, but we firmly believe that He does nothing in vain.
My relationship with my daughter can never be compared to my relationship with God, and no earthly example could ever do Him justice, but it was through this that I learnt how to truly trust in Him, just as my little baby had trusted in me. She reminded me of Prophet Jacob’s words “I only complain of my sufferings and my grief to Allah”, as he lamented the loss of his son, Joseph [Quran 12:86]. She reminded me that it is our Protector we should seek in times of difficulty. Through this memory, I was reminded that everything God does, is for our benefit. We may not always see the wisdom behind the tragedy we’re experiencing, But God, in His infinite knowledge and wisdom… He knows.
