Innaa lillaahi wa innaa ilayhi Raaji’oon – From Allah do we come, and unto Him is our return.
Growing up, these words were always uttered when someone was struck with a major calamity and I thus always thought a negative emotion should accompany it, but today, for the first time, I uttered these words with a great sense of joy.
Late yesterday afternoon, we received the news that our little baby is no more; there was a little sac with our baby inside, but Allah had chosen not to gift him/her with a beating heart. We accepted the news as God’s decree and readied ourselves to go to the hospital so that we could assist our little one in making its exit. A call to my mother-in-law however had us doubting whether or not this was the right thing to do, so we called up a gynae friend to hear what she advised. This resulted in an appointment for a scan at 11:30 this morning, and what an experience that was subhaanAllah!
I saw my baby, in an irregularly shaped sac with the sac having shifted from where it should have been. I saw my little ‘alaqah lying in its layers of protection, patiently awaiting the command of its Lord that will see it leaving my being. During my first year of quranic studies, we learnt that Allah used the word ‘alaqah to describe the second stage of pregnancy, and how when translated it means ‘a thing suspended’, ‘a blood clot’ and ‘a leech’. Seeing this miracle come to life through a scan was… AMAZING! I settled onto the bed in awe of my Rabb’s creation and how even through a miscarriage we could see the beauty and perfection of the quran come to light. SubhaanAllah!
Words cannot describe seeing Allah’s precision in action. I feel so blessed to have had this experience, and though I’ve had it once before (with my first born), the presence of a heartbeat distracted me from truly grasping the greatness of it all.
I wish everyone could experience the beauty of seeing Allah’s qudrah (ability and power) at work, even within our own beings, as I believe it is this very experience that will bring us closer to Him. Good and bad is truly from Him and can be of His greatest of ni’am (favours) upon us if only we knew.
I know I’ve just lost a baby, and for my baby I will grieve, but in this moment I feel so very blessed. I used to believe that the du’a/phrase “innaa lillaahi wa innaa ilayhi raaji’oon” was meant to be accompanied by overwhelming sadness and grief, but today’s experience taught me that this isn’t always the case. I have also learnt that grieving over someone or something we’ve lost is a normal human emotion and doesn’t necessarily mean we are unhappy with the decree of Allah. The proof of this can be found in an incident in the life of our beloved ﷺ wherein he had lost his son, and his grief was present for all to see, but not once did he question the decree of his Rabb ﷺ or even make an utterance or action of displeasure. This is the model which our Lord had given us, and this is the model I pray we, as believers, will always follow. So, with contentment in my heart and my being filled with joy and love I utter the words “innaa lillaahi wa innaa ilayhi raaji’oon” at the passing of my little ‘alaqah.
May Allah reunite us all with our loved ones in Jannah. Amin.
