Grieving isn’t linear

“I’m glad you are in Jannah, but I still miss you.”

Oftentimes people speak of grieving as if its a simple process of denial, grieving and acceptance, with the feeling of loss subsiding as the days and months go by.

The grieving process isn’t linear. Nor is it a simple process of getting up, dusting yourself off and moving on. Grieving is multi-faceted.

When my Amatullah passed away, there was no “Why her?”, “Why us?”, “Why now?”. Emotionally, we were in shock, but spiritually, we accepted the decree of our Rabb. In fact, oftentimes we grieved with gratitude as we saw wisdoms in how beautifully He coordinated and facilitated our lives leading up to her death, and beyond.

We were okay spiritually, but emotionally we yearned for our little girl and not only did we have to deal with our own grief, we also had to help our little one deal with losing her sister. Mentally, we lived with so many regrets. We regretted simple things, but they weighed heavily on our hearts. Psychologically, we relived the trauma of losing her every time one of our kids got sick, or had similar symptoms she had had the night she passed away. And the guilt? Oh gosh, the guilt came in waves, sometimes gentle, but many times they were so huge they threatened to engulf us.

And yet, on a physical, day-to-day level, life went on, as if it hadn’t just changed forever. Many months later, I developed what I believe may have been post traumatic stress. And even now, more than a year later, I see my body respond to situations in an unhealthy manner, a knee-jerk reaction, a fight or flight moment, frozen, with your heart in your throat kind of moment. And upon introspection I realize that it’s because I’ve somehow internalized an incident in an unhealthy manner. And yet, spiritually, I was grateful for having lost my child.

Why is this important? Because we need to recognize that this grieving process is multi-faceted. Grief and trauma can be experienced on multiple levels. For some it might end up as a crisis of faith (Allah protect us), and thus require a spiritual remedy. Others may have a mental, physical or emotional breakdown, and may require some form of therapy or another to help them get back on track. Others still may bottle it up and “stay strong” only to have it manifest as illnesses in their bodies later on.

We often assume that healing happens in one go, and that once we’ve accepted the passing of a loved one, that the grieving process has ended, but this isn’t always the case. Acceptance isn’t the non-existence of emotions. Acceptance is ultimately coming to terms with the decree of your Rabb, despite everything you’re going through.

And so next time, when you see someone breaking down and bawling their eyes out, don’t assume that it is because they have not accepted the decree of Allah. Or if someone is always composed, don’t assume that they aren’t hurting.

I am unapologetic about my experiences, because living with grief and trauma is nothing to be ashamed of. Recognizing that you need help and going for counseling is nothing to be ashamed of.

I miss my little girl every single day, but I am content with what my Lord has decreed for me.