“I’m sorry Ama”, I’d say almost everyday since the death of our little girl.
I had so many regrets. I think of the moments I could have spent more time with her, but didn’t. I’d think of those times when she’d ask me to do something for her, and I’d forget. Or those times when she’d ask me for my time, and I just couldn’t oblige her, because bathing her for the three hours before that had taken it’s toll on me and I just needed space to breathe.
I regret not giving her enough opportunities to grow in some aspects, and pushing her to do more in others. I regret not doing enough for her, not advocating enough for what I knew she needed, and for putting her through difficulties that even I couldn’t bear, for her sake, I would say. For her sake.
My biggest regret though is not seeing her condition deteriorate before my eyes. AT our last meeting with the doctors, I remember telling them that I’m not too concerned because we’ve experienced worse. It was only she passed away and I saw photos of her when she was in her best of health, that I realized how much my little girl had deteriorated over the last year. But by then it was too late. And as a result, I couldn’t bring myself to look at these photos because the regret would take over and ravage all that I am.
So for more than a year after her passing, I heard myself apologize to my little girl for everything I’d done/ didn’t do, the things that I could have changed and those that I couldn’t. Until one day it hit me.
Amatullah was gone. She was never coming back. And so this grieving and regret had to have a greater purpose than just the ebb and flow of emotion. Everything Allah does, He does in our best interests, and so what was it that I was meant to learn from this? It turns out, I wasn’t taking it back to Him.
I was apologizing to my daughter for my shortcomings, but I wasn’t asking Allah to forgive me for them. I was acknowledging my weakness, but that wasn’t translated to a prayer of strength, forgiveness and acceptance from my Rabb. Realizing this, was a gift. A way of bringing me closer to Him, and obtaining rewards for the difficulty I endure.
I still apologize to my little girl, but now, it’s coupled with a prayer to my Lord as well.
You loved her, you took care of her but you are only human, forgive yourself. Allah is the Only one capable of perfection.
May Allah grant you ease and patience Ameen
Yes indeed. He is most certainly The Only One capable of perfection.
But in the stages of grieving, guilt and regret is a normal part of the process, and I’m grateful to have experienced that.
Through Allah’s grace, I was able to forgive myself for some things, and others still sting, but I think the bigger lesson was that I wasn’t recognizing that that guilt and regret was a gateway to du’a, which was a gateway to contentment.
This beautiful lesson was such a comfort and so profound that when the regrets reared their head after my son passed away 2 months ago, instantaneously I was able to take it back to Allah in du’a. And I don’t think I would have internalised this lesson as deeply if my grieving for my daughter wasn’t filled with so many regrets.
Ájeeb isn’t it? How Allah facilitates.