Just over a week ago, my husband and I received news that we were expecting, and as with most couples, we were elated. As the days progressed however, I experienced some breakthrough bleeding which eventually lead us to going for an ultrasound much sooner than we’d intended.
It is with great contentment and peace of mind with which I say “I am seven weeks pregnant, and my baby has no heartbeat”. I know this may seem odd, but I cannot explain the deep sense of gratitude I felt knowing that my little one will not join us. Not because I didn’t want another baby, oh no! Rather, I was at peace with the discovery as I know my Lord has placed my family and I in a situation that is best for us.
I was amazed at how the sonographer kept apologising to me saying “Shame man! All the best hey”, “Shame man”, “shame man”, “shame man”, as if what had happened was something bad. She said it so many times that I eventually turned to my husband as she left the room and whispered “Why is she apologising? This is Allah’s will”.
As a mother, I do feel a sense of loss, but not as intense as I thought it’d be. I am content knowing that my Allah has protected my baby from the trials of this dunya (worldly life) and that my baby will be waiting for me at the doors of Jannah, at least I hope that’s the case. I hope so because I’m not sure whether the same applies to a mother who loses her baby whose ruh (soul) hasn’t yet been blown in. The thought of my baby potentially waiting for me at the gates of Jannah makes my eyes well with tears, because of the honour which is attached to it. You see, I know what a sinful slave I am, and for Allah to gift me with losing my baby is such a great ni’mah that my heart cannot comprehend. How merciful is my Allah that He’s chosen to (potentially) gift me with the honour of having my little one wait for me at the gates of Paradise. How merciful is He that He’s allowed me to find many silver linings in what should have been a very difficult time.
I know many people will hear the news and feel sad on my behalf, but there are so many blessings in this experience that I cannot help but feel at peace with it. And so, I will rub my belly for the last time, grateful for the joy my little one has brought me in our short time together, as I prepare for hospital and what is to follow. Things could have been much worse, and it is only through the rahmah (mercy) of Allah that we are able to see this experience for what it is; a good thing.
RasooluLlah ﷺ says: “How amazing is the situation of the believer. Surely every situation (he finds himself in) is good for him, and this (experience) is for none except the believer. When good times are upon him he is grateful and that is good for him, and when bad times befall him, he is patient and that (too) is good for him.”
We beseech you to please keep all those going through depression and hardships in your du’as. We ask that Allah guides their hearts to the nur of Islam and to allow them to find their silver linings even in the darkest of clouds. May Allah forever shower us with His favours and mercy and grant us to see them for what they are so that we may increase in gratitude, supplication and nearness to him. Amin.